Crystal

2011-07-05T04:10:00.001+08:00

http://itwas-heaven.tumblr.com

2011-06-30T02:09:00.007+08:00

It’s like all those lies and truths are lying in bed with you.

2011-05-08T13:49:00.007+08:00

"Tell me a story, she demands. Give me a prince and his princess. Give me a castle and a dragon. Give me a true love's first kiss and a happily ever after. Tell me a story. And he tries, he really does. "

You know that feeling when you have a funny little ache in your chest, and you wonder if it's you heart breaking? And when you feel like you should be locking yourself inside your room and crying your broken heart out, instead of pasting a fake plastic smile on your face to everybody?

Yeah, that's a pretty bad feeling.

His kisses taste like tomatoes and gunpowder. Bang, bang baby - you go down;

all hail the heartbreaker.

2011-05-02T14:58:00.004+08:00

School and zaro team and whatnots.

School's been chaotic and insanely busy. I have sketches due every other day and as much as I enjoy sketching, I can't bloody finish it. I hate deadlines, really. Who created the term deadline? I hope you rot or something. Urgh, I seriously need to catch up on my sleep.

On a lighter note, the zaro team had a small gathering yesterday at my house. They brought all their laptops and created a small lan at my house. LOL. Being with them makes me realized how much I actually missed all of them and their nonsense. Later in the night, everyone was gathered at the dining table doing their work. It was hilarious with all the conversations going on. JC students doing maths while poly students work on that essays and such. I was bloody sketching, again.

School starts again tomorrow and I have to totally get back to my sketches now or else I won't be able to complete it and THAT WOULD SUCK. I miss secondary school life really. Poly life is just urgh.. I can't even find time to finish my novel which I find it very sad, really.

2011-04-05T20:36:00.016+08:00

he stands there and watches her crumble;

The dreams came when I least expected them.

Some of them were just brilliant.

Some of them were simple and happy; like running through the garden with the wind in my hair for the sheer joy of the run; like sitting with everyone in the cafeteria laughing away; like dipping my feet in the pool, watching the others swim; like stuffing my face with muffins and peanut butter ice-cream; like completing beautiful paintings and saying goodbye to someone and knowing they will be back.

But most of them weren't like that.

Most of them were bitter.

Most of them were about him.

2011-02-23T03:27:00.004+08:00

Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart?
It's not being able to remember how you felt before, no matter how hard you try, how hard you cry, how hard you beg. Because if it goes away, you’ll never get it back. You lay waste to the world and everything in it.

2011-01-29T02:26:00.001+08:00

My love.. The wind is always shifting.

It was interesting, how something so dependable and stable could so suddenly fall apart completely, leaving me with only the memory of how it used to be. And with the demise of the world as I know it, I realize that so many things I thought were priorities faded out of thought and mind until I don't even recognize that I have forgotten their importance. So, the things that I used to be obsessed with became lesser; things that I had grown up believing fall away to reveal secrets long lost. And the only things that remain as a constant reminder of the way it used to be are the scars, which I had never taken into account before, ever.

2011-01-11T20:03:00.005+08:00

Heaven – It exists. Happiness on earth, I mean. You just have to look for it.

They're a strange thing, dreams.

Sometimes, they came true; most of the time, they don't. Sometimes, they made sense. Most of the time, they were as bizarre as, as… my mum turning lesbian and kissing my school teacher.

Sometimes, I dream of the future. Far-flung, not-quite-like-my-personality dreams. Most of the times, I dream of the unexpected.

I dreamt of a long stretch of sunsets and cats marrying dogs and my grandfather who I don’t know why is a famous singer and is playing his first debut song on an old radio.

And sad as it is, I find it makes sense.

I gather I feel the same way about love.

And I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

Surprises.

There are the bad ones, like when you think you aced an exam, but actually didn't and failed, or when you finally just got home and find out your granduncle just died. Or like when you think a relationship's going so well, but your partner suddenly breaks up with you. Like when you pull out your purse and realize there's no money in it.

Then there are the good ones, like when you think your friends forgot your birthday, but when you get to the cafeteria, the whole school is there to surprise you. Or when you encounter a new Pokemon card you don't have yet in your collection. Or when someone buys you something you've been wanting for so long. Or when everyone suddenly forgets who you are and what you've done and you're just suddenly another face in the crowd.

But how about when you fall in love? Or realize someone you thought you hated turned out to be one of the best people you ever got to meet and you hated that sort of complication? Good surprise? Bad surprise?

Either way, I kind of hate surprises.

Funny.

Apparently, it's so easy to realize life-changing things.

Like when everything changes in a blink of an eye, and suddenly what you thought you wanted is completely different from what you want now. Like in a minute, your vision of tomorrow drastically changes from being a solitary thing, to a Christmas day where there are children and family members, and your friends, somewhere, beside you. Like in the span of a second, you could be a hero. Or one minute you're crying, and in another, you decide you've had it, and want life to be better.

Sometimes, all you need is a really short while to think of important stuff like that and make a choice. It's simple, actually: the way you say you like chocolate over vanilla the instant you taste both, the way happiness is really only a matter of choice, and you only need to decide whether the day you've just had is a bad or a good one.

One day, I looked at him.

And I realized I wanted to be happy.

2010-12-30T00:02:00.008+08:00

You'll never get over it, but you'll learn to live with it.

i.

The first time I saw you, we were four.

We were young, cute, sane and totally not failing in life.
__________________________________________________________________
ii.

The first time I got my heart broken, I was eight.

Ah, I remember now. “Annoying.”
___________________________________________________________________
iii.

I was twelve when I learnt true irony.

And it was partly because his broken pieces were too shattered for me to fix,
and I was so stubborn and I refused to believe it.

Someday, I know my foolishness was going to come back to haunt me.

Who was I to fix someone when I had broken pieces littered on the floor of my messy life as well?
___________________________________________________________________
iv.

I found out what it was like to truly lose something when I was twelve and a half.

When I woke up one morning, feeling the cold air engulfing me despite the sun,
I knew he was gone.

(How can you lose something you never really had?)
___________________________________________________________________
v.

The first time I found out what it feels like to know someone and yet not know them at all was when I was fiften, staring at the epitome of everything I ever wanted, everything I ever worked hard for.

"Too late “ they echoed.

Later on in the night, lying on my bed trying to sleep, I wonder if he regrets any of it.
Like how we regret every single day.

I realise bitterly that he doesn't.
___________________________________________________________________
vi.

When I am sixteen, I found out what it is like to try to pick up broken pieces of a shattered something and not be able to because it cuts too deeply.

I guess maybe I and everyone else who is trying to fix his broken pieces are fools.

Because, all we wound up doing is just cutting ourselves into shards so small that no one could fix us; just like him.
___________________________________________________________________
vii.

I’m turning seventeen in three months and I don’t know what to do.
___________________________________________________________________

2010-11-17T03:12:00.010+08:00

We run from the zombies, the monsters and the ghouls. We run from the dancing corpses of people who stopped living. We run from the nightmares that haunt us all.

Dear Crystal,
you have been cordially invited to the event known as:
your own nightmare

where the nightmares of every man, woman and child roam each and every street.
you will scream and scream and scream,

just as they will all scream and scream and scream.
where you will finally grasp the truth, the stupid truth that hurts so damn much.
in this place, there is no happily ever after, no once upon a time.

in this place, you cannot survive on stupid hopeless dream.
in this place, the only way to survive is to face your own nightmares.
we hope you have a wonderful time.
signed,
Your Sanity

I supposed I'm frightened. It's embrassing but I'm afraid it's true. I'm clueless, I don't know what to do. Leaving works. It works because you leave and you don't need to deal with the aftermath. You leave before everything and anything you loved and wanted and longed for could be ripped away from you. You leave so that you would not suffer. You leave to not feel pain. Leaving is indeed a wonderful way out. But it doesn't work of course, if the person who left isn't you. It doesn't work, when everyone leaves you, thinking it's for the best. It doesn't work, when you are the one left behind again. Well guess what? Screw you assholes. In the midst of doing what's the "best" for me and everyone else, you have left me alone to clear up all your mess. Brilliant huh?

Sometimes, I think I wouldn't have mind settling for second best. It's not the best and I won't be the most brilliant of them all, but I would still be second. I would be second and noticable and not left behind. I know I don't matter, I know I'm not important, I know I can't help much. But I've tried haven't I? I've always tried.

I always try.

I just don't hit my target. I can try all I want, but I still don't. People always tell me to shoot for the stars because if I miss, at least I'll land on the moon. But the moon isn't the stars.

And all of you, every single bloody one are among the stars.

You all are everywhere and I'm nowhere and I just want to tear you all down, to catch up, to leave too because I need to breathe again. I want to breathe again.

The merry band runs.

2010-11-11T01:40:00.002+08:00

You do not need water to feel like you’re drowning.

2010-09-18T23:20:00.007+08:00

We never had an ending, this can’t be the end.

I was six years old and thought that everyone in my family had gone crazy.
My brother sits surrounded by headless dolls with a smile on his face. He raises the scissors that I failed to notice earlier.
Chop!
The head of the doll in his hands pops off cleanly.
He smiles and asks if I want to play.
-----
I was seven years old and my Granduncle Dan won't shut up.
My Granduncle thinks everyone needs to know about a girl he met once upon a time. By everyone, he means my mother, who's too kind to say no, and her seven year old daughter, who knows better to tell her mom no.
I look at my Granduncle and realizes that this is my bloodline.
I doomed and I know it.

-----
I’m eight years old and boys are weird.
They have cooties.

-----
I’m nine years old and have a dog-bite mark on my arm.
With a laugh, my mother tends to my injury and tells me she was just looking out for her babies. Mothers are like that, she says. They do anything for their children.
I wonder if she's trying to tell me something.

-----
I’m ten years old and Granduncle Dan is gone.
I don't know where he went but somehow I think that is better. He came in the middle of the night to tell me goodbye, I think. I pray that I wasn't dreaming that last moment with him.

I miss him

-----
I’m eleven years old and I think I’m short.
I wonder if I’m taking after my Grandaunt Marina after all and picture myself sipping tea and playing chess all day and night. I shudder violently and runs before Grandaunt Marina can see me.

-----
I’m twelve years old and someone is trying to kiss me, I pushed him away.
I didn’t like it.
I delighted over it though because him trying to kiss me would mean that he loves me right?
I didn’t want him to love me, but I think maybe I need him to.

-----
I’m twelve and a half and the world is changing.
Everything isn’t innocent anymore.

-----
I’m thirteen and the world is cruel.

I have my broken heart to prove it.

-----
I’m fourteen and I am hoping.

Every night I pray before I cry myself to sleep.

-----
I’m fifteen years old and I hate the world.
My prayers are left unanswered.

-----
I’m sixteen year old and nothing has changed.
I wasted my birthday wishes for the past few years.

-----
I’m six months older now.
I am still waiting.

2010-08-29T01:46:00.003+08:00

People never tell you how much loving hurts.

I’m in the fringes between a reality and a dream – because it has been such an unattainable goal that has seemed impossible countless times, but I still dream, of course.

You’re standing before me.

I think it's a dream.

Still, it's an impossibly vivid dream, where you have grown up and is something I've imagined, yet not imagined you to be (that thirteen-year-old boy is forever sketched in my mind), the adrenaline and the wind - it feels so real that I think if I reach out, just reach out, I'll be able to touch you.

I don't dare to, however, because the dream always disappears whenever I do that – and I think I’m better off if I can see you just a bit longer.

I think I must be a little slow on the uptake, because before I know it’s raining heavily and everyone is rushing to the shelters but I can’t hear or feel a thing – all I can see is you.

Finally, things start moving again when you who stood unmoving and impassively when you spotted me walked towards me, and the image turns unbelievable – suddenly I'm breathing again, I’m thinking clearly (this is a dream) and my heart wrenches. But before you could disappear from my sight again like you always do, I turn my back away(protect your heart I tell myself).

And I ran.

2010-07-29T23:15:00.008+08:00

You, me, and the ways we stay the same."You make me feel twelve again."

It was this way with us; it was me who initiated our interactions. It had been me who cried for you. It was me who moved for you.

And yet, it was me, who had spent half my life in the waiting state—who navigated the waters of our unique dynamic with no complaint.

It was me who loved you.

You were older. I should have been wiser; and yet, here I was again, in front of you, open and vulnerable. Hadn't I learned better yet, I wondered? What was it about you that made it impossible for me to walk away from you?

Things could have happened between yesterday and today. Things do change, but I’m still here.(Can’t you see? I tried, I cried, I screamed but I cannot for my life walk away. )

Because.

"You make me feel twelve again."

2010-07-22T21:29:00.009+08:00

My mind is gone and I’m spinning around.
And deep inside in my tears I will drown.

After so many times of misled hopes, I gave up and I resort to start hating you all. (Why not when you all didn't give a damn about leaving me behind?) However, whole-heartedly hating someone, I found, was quite impossible. And to me, it was the most difficult thing in the world to do.

Hate took practice, diligence, and concentration. Hate required every iota of your attention. Hate was self-mutilation; invisible lacerations on the psyche. Hate was poison; a slow deterioration of sanity. And true hate, I realized, wasn't possible to accomplish when the world was full of distractions.

A smile was a distraction. A wave was a distraction. A pat on the back was a distraction. I couldn't concentrate on hating when the world around me was brimming with distractions, the biggest of them all being you guys.

Filling myself with loathing and odious emotion every breathing moment was difficult when you all were around. Being angry every second of every day was impossible when every other person I knew smiled at me, naïve and ignorant and hopeful and everything I wanted to be.

Hating one person, truly hating one person, I learned, required hating everybody else.
I tried to early on and failed miserably.

I tried hating the grocer, I tried hating my neighbours, I tried hating my teachers, I tried hating the mailman, and I tried hating the children who played near my house.

I couldn't.

The grocer gave me homegrown tomatoes, the neighbours offered me their food, the teachers smiled too often, the mailman told me terrible jokes to make me laugh, and the children gave me candy.

When I'd asked why, they simply said it was because I looked so sad.

Hate hurt, but remorse hurt even more. So I gave up.

I took to distancing himself. If I couldn't hate them, I simply wouldn't see them. If I couldn't hate them, I'd resort to the next best thing.

Their comings and goings, their daily activities, I simply wouldn't concern myself with them. If someone needed help, I'd let another person take care of it. If there was a fire, I'd let the firemen put it out. If someone in front of me needed comforting, I'd take the back door home. I would resort to apathy.

Simple as that, easier said than done..Becoming apathetic, I realized, had been easy enough. Staying apathetic, however, proved damn near impossible.

The thoughts, the insomnia, the friends, the pain, the hating.

Hating was hard, but it wasn't impossible. But not caring at all, apathy—that was hardest of all. Apathy was for the ruthless. Apathy was for the hollow.

And in the end, I couldn't help but care and hope, and I guess I nevereverdid succeeded in hating.

2010-07-20T14:29:00.004+08:00

He’s never made it very easy to stay. But, that’s all right. I’ve never been very good at walking away.

It's was a crescent moon that night when we met again, and the irony just about kills me. It was on a night very much like this one that you left a few years back. And sometimes, when I find myself thinking about you and that night, I wonder why did you leave me with those two words when I never had really done anything for you.

At times, I wonder about it till it leaves me so confuse that I can only cry. Other times, it makes me so frustrated that I want to beat you up. All in all, I hated you for leaving me with those two words. Those words actually gave me something to hold on to.

When we met once again, we were older, wiser and different. Nevertheless, I was still screaming and shouting and you were still silent and unwavering. This time however, when you said those words again before you left me, I realised I shouldn't harp on what those words mean.

Because no matter what it meant, Thank You always means Goodbye.

2010-07-08T18:03:00.005+08:00

Of memories and realities.

I flip through the pages worn and torn, words smudged and paper yellowing at the edges. I read each word struggling to make out the smudged and scribbled little notes. My eyes are dry and burning but I do not blink for fear of losing my place or missing a word.

Pictures frayed at the edges peer up at me from the leather bound book, and I almost cry…almost. I come across one picture in particular that tugs at my heart. I see myself (but happier then), a wide smile adorns my face and I wonder if I'll ever smile like that again. He's right beside me in the photo; our arms are around each other shoulders and his other arm around another's, his smile is probably the largest.

Pictures torn and frayed, words hard to make out and I still read on. I look through the photo album with the little notes written by a miss-matched, patched up and broken family of four.

We were once reunited…until he left again.

But now, I’m the one left to pay the price, for they're all gone and have left me behind.

I chide myself; did I really expect them to wait forever? (did I really expect him to wait for to stop being weak and catch up?) no, no he didn't. Now all that's left are broken bonds desperately to be repaired.

I close the dusty tome with a snap and grab my chest; the place where a heart used to beat (before they - he had tore it out and trampled it) and I felt ready to burst..

2010-07-01T01:26:00.007+08:00

When it’s late at night and it’s cold and rainy, the only things you have left are your dreams and regrets.

And I think that this fractured frame of mind that is life could have turned out very differently. And I remember when we could have outshone the sun, done the impossible, won infinite battles and grown old.

But that time has passed.

I think that had the occasion called for it, the messy pencil-drawn maze on the back of a kid's menu that is life could have led us to an exit. Once we could have stayed and learned the truth and been happy[andstayedAndstayedandstayed] We could have. Because I know a person who would settle for nothing less until the puzzle pieces aligned right for us just once. (mememe).

And I like to think that maybe if things had been different, you all would have notice me. That I wouldn't have had to fight to be seen and I could have grown with everyone. Yet, I know that these things are pointless maybes fed by my needs to believe that I’m not a total and utter [completely colossal] failure.

I have never been important, always been in the dark, always been left behind, and has always been so damn naive. [But I was never so foolish as to believe that the world turned because of the rotten choices we have all made].

But I absently thinkknowpretendIdon't know that I never ever had a chance in choosing the lives we lead now, that I have been pulled into this without a choice, and that I could not have made a difference. How could I when I’m always the one gaping to catch up?

I would like to believe that in another life, another path, the road not taken…I wouldn't be standing here at one in the morning listening to the shallow breaths of half dead teenagers(him and me, not you. you are gonegonegonegone. i don't hear you, i can't even see you), trying to find something in this world worth what they are giving for all this fighting.

As a human being I know it is natural for me to dwell on the turning points and circumstances that made up my life.

[and vaguely I wonder if this life of mine will ever turn into the right path.]

It is coming to two in the morning.

And life still goes on.

2010-06-16T17:16:00.014+08:00

We’re still just children.

We were once together. We were withered and not quite old, and were blinded by the flash of our lives passing while we seem to remain dizzyingly stagnant.

There are children who never quite grew up, but did. And us? We did it way too fast. Moments flashed like lightning, gone in an instant and then never striking again in quite the same place. But there are exceptions as there are to every rule. But only a handful of us have ever been able to understand metaphors so I think that maybe it’s better that we don't anyway.

It's funny, I realized, that we have been called children all our lives. And yet, nearly as long, [but perhaps not because our lives haven't exactly been especially longshortlong] some of us have already experienced what adults usually go through and yet, some of us have already went through what other people will never understand in their lives. Our lives have been in such a mess, that most of us actually don’t remember how being a child is like anymore.

[How long have we been this way-?]

It's also strange, I know. That somehow the gory images that make up our lives seem to fall away from their places pinned to our minds and flutter to the floor for just a little while when the timing is right, and lightning strikes, and the sun is just somehow shining just for us. When we are all together.

Today in the midst of our everyday screwed-up life, we are breathing, on a time out, a break, the world is suddenly silent outside of this enclosure, this haven for our struggling existence, it is a rare moment in these horrid, scary scary times that seem to have always been.

Somehow we are together.

And there is laughter and smiles, there is teasing and happy and some strange sort of not-quite-beauty. There is a love and friendship and a thread of kinship sewn into each and everyone of our souls, pulled so tight that we are bound too close to be snipped away.

But things never [tch, when did it ever?] stay the same.

There is eight-eleven-fifteen-sixteen of us and we are forever expanding, growing, not quite losing [lies. Things we tell ourselves because we must.] and we find respite in company.

But pain is pain and it doesn't go away just because you ask nicely. You have to barter your soul and beg and plead and somewhere in all of this there is a lot of pretending going on, some more than others I suspect.

[There is always a they and we in these circumstances. And we just so happen to be both.]

So keeping with tradition- because really, who are we to stray from the norm? We are but a band of simple misfit adults-children, waitingwaitingwaiting for something amazing – when he stumbles back safely, with laughter in the background while we bask in the sunlight and -

No.

There is this overwhelming pain in this moment. Because really, how could something so amazing happen when we have absolutely nothing amazing happened in our lives?

He was once a part of Us, stitched into our We, with food, laughter and tears.

But, there is only stranger now.

2010-06-06T23:13:00.004+08:00

Save me from the nothing I've become.

After a while I learnt the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. I learnt that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. I begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. I begin to accept my defeats with my heads up and eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. I learnt to build up all my roads on today because tomorrow's groud is too uncertain for plans. After a while, I learnt that even sunshine burns if I get too much of it. So I plant my own garden and decorate my own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers.

2010-05-29T21:51:00.005+08:00

It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own.

I'm ashamed sometimes. The feeling rises up my throat and scrapes across my tongue and clings to the roof of my mouth, thick and heavy and slimy. I'm ashamed to be so vindictively proud of how far I have gone since that incident three years ago. Because I think he must be hurting too, still lost on the road of life with nothing left but tattered remains of us - his family, the looming shadow of his failure.

But then I remember that all for his praise and encouragement, it had been for him(his best friend) whom he'd smiled at so fondly, it had been him(his little brother) whose hair he'd ruffled.(he had scowled and glanced and asked him to stop, but he hadn't meant it and he had laughed and the sun had been so warm and golden in those days) It had been him he teased and him he taught - and where had I been in all this? (watching, waiting, patient with faith)

He's gone alot now, disappearing for long long months. He comes back grim, as if there's nothing to come back to and I want to shake him then, to yell, to scream, to rant, to rage that I'm still here aren't I, why can't he see me?

I am not special. I know this, when I watch him silently as he flit away from the corridors as he head to god knows where once again. I am not special and I am not enough and I cannot save him from this, cannot save him because he's punishing himself for failing them both(and maybe me as well, just a little, please?) I am not special and he can't see me very clearly.

A blurred image, I suppose, fuzzy at the corners, a bit faded, in shades of gray and black, vague and unfocused. He looks past me, over me, beyond me, through me, because he doesn't have to worry about me, does he, not when he's got them to fret over?

I am not jealous, I am not. I understand, I understand everything, everyone never minds about me. I am not important, I am always left behind.

2010-05-23T19:56:00.009+08:00

There's the present, there's the future, but I'm still stuck in the past.

Today will never come again. Today is just another stupidstupidstupid day where I was drawn into maybes and could-have-beens. Today is just another meaningless day where I caught myself thinking about you. I shouldn't, I really shouldn't. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if you have ever thought of the pieces you left behind?

They say I'm navie you know, that I'm wasting my time waiting for you to come back, have everything fall into place and have everyone together happily once again. But can't they see? I am not waiting. I do not sit by the window, do not look anxiously at the front gate, never twiddles my thumb or tap my feet. I am not waiting, because there is no one to wait for: I am not among those who have gone ahead.

But of course, they do not see. They do not and will never be able to understand how it feels to be left behind once again. How broken and empty I actually feel to be left behind again by the ones you love most. They do not see the pain I feel, and do not know that the one person left to pick the broken pieces left by them is myself.

The sound of a broken heart is the sound of nothing, after all.

2010-05-18T19:49:00.002+08:00

Because we all pretend.

Truth is..Lies, confessions, truth, and what makes life worth living.

I want to know, want to understand. How something in my life just blew away, disappeared as a facade – no matter how lacquered and perfect – fell away. Really, I tried to comprehend what is going on, why all this shit keep happening and why am I or even everyone else have the need to bottle all this crap up.

I wonder when will be the final straw? That moment when something finally breaks in one of us and snaps. Will it then be the end of us? Will we carry on with our own pathetic lives and become familiar strangers then? Or maybe, we can carry on with this lie of ours. That we can make everyone believe that we are an inseparable group that will always be there for one another. And maybe one day, we might make ourselves believe that we are fine.. that we are happy. Because well, we are all so good at pretending.

“I’m just pretending"

2010-05-11T21:55:00.004+08:00

Because we all screwed up.

It is a love fulled by hate and we have come too far for it to be a happy ending.

this is us not screwing up;
This is you who left us.
this is us not screwing up;
This is us, me, trying so damn hard to bring you back.
this is us not screwing up;
This is you denying us time and again.
this is us not screwing up;
This is me, trying to fix the unfixable.
this is us not screwing up,
This is me, wanting to give up.
this is us not screwing up;
This is me, not caring.
this is us not screwing up;
This is me, lying to myself.
this is us not screwing up;
This is me, missing you.
this is US screwing up;
Because we can only be a once upon a time.

2010-04-25T22:18:00.004+08:00

Stop hiding.

OKAY, I have officially stepped down from ODAC. HALLELUJAH. We did fairly well for both dragonboat competitions. Gold for Temasek Regetta(OMG! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?) and bronze for the nationals(Damn, we lost to the 2nd placed by a mere second). ANYWAY, breakfast tomorrow with FHM because NO MORE PT SESSIONS ON MONDAY MORNINGS! OHGOD, I CAN SCREAM FOR JOY! 2.4km run tomorrow in the afternoon. Damn;/.

Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom to understand that man
Love to forgive him
And patience for his moods
Because, lord, if I ask for strength, I'll just beat him to death.

No more will I allow you to control how I feel.

2010-04-17T22:24:00.007+08:00

Hold me in the rain.

You had your dreams, I had mine. You had your fears, I was fine. You showed me what I couldn't have, when two different worlds collide.

I have always imagined you being back together with us again, and because I am who I am, I believe one day, it will happen.
-- but sometimes, believing isn't enough.
He desperately did not want to believe what you had chose to do(because he's him and he believes), that you are just doing so because you needed aid from them; and that once the deed is done, all would be fine.
But I know better.
-- hearts broken too many times become ill-fitting jigsaws, after all.
I have stopped deluding myself after I knew what had happened. I concentrated on my life more, hoping to forget, hoping to move on.. Hoping to live.
-- but things are never that easy, especially matters like this; there are things you can never forget because if you do, it means losing a piece of yourself along with it.

Sometimes, I can force myself to believe that I have move on from this stupid dream of mine, that it was nothing more than a shred of the past. But in the end, I am still believing. I am just better at hiding it, even from myself.

2010-04-11T14:42:00.006+08:00

A flavour of life

What should have been but never will be.

Nostalgia is a sickening, addictive pill of what could-have-beens. And one dose of what could-have-beens and whatnots get you hooked up on false dreams and promises. Harsh, isn't it? I regret all this shit being thrown into the jumbled equation of my life because, with them and you included, there is suddenly much more to regret. For a million reasons that are connected and twined together into a string of sharp pains and could-have-beens, I wished that we had never met.

When you said Thank You, for some reason.. it hurts. Like a magic spell that doesn't becomes undone even after the goodbye. This hint of bitterness.. a flavour of life.

2010-04-04T18:09:00.005+08:00

I can't do it.

My heart isn't ready.. to say goodbye.

I see us like we're in a movie, sometimes, except, I'm not a participant but someone watching the action and I see a trend. Where all i do is cry and hope and wish and do all that silly stuff people do when they are in despair and have no idea what to do next. Really, I tried. I tried to clear a space in my mind around all the sharpness of the things I wish I could forget so that I can make way for things I want to remember. But still failed, nonetheless.

It is not true, what they say about pictures being the next best thing to being there. For days, weeks and years I stared at the only picture I have of you and tried to imagine that you were here with me, but never once did I feel like I'd found you again.

I have questions for you that I never got the chance to ask;
Do you look like you did back then? Would it make a difference, anyway?
Do you think of me when you least expect it - when you're getting ready to leave the house or waking up in a storm or just taking a walk? And do you leave at that, or do you find yourself siiting through the memories?
If I had been the one to leave, would you have written out your heart to me?

It seems that the arrow missed the heart, and the happily ever after.

2010-03-24T20:29:00.004+08:00

The emptiness within.

When the world is suddenly empty and there is nothing left to fill the gap, lose yourself.

Over the years, he had become less tangible.
As if, over the years, he didn't quite exist anymore.
As if everything that had been related to him vanished into the past. As if every single memory, good or bad, had been made up by some kind of wicked imagination.

Whenever I thought of him, a strange emptiness invades me. I had even begun to think of him as someone who passed away, someone who could never really be here anymore.

But then I would see the picture, the picture of him, them and me, carefully placed on my table, and I would softly wipe off the dust of the frame, even though there was never any. And I would see that even if he wasn't here at the moment, he had been here once, in a distant past, but he had been here, nonetheless.

I remembered, clearly in our childhood, me running after him, always reaching for his back, trying to catch up, but failing miserably each and every time. And then, he was gone and nothing I had done could have stopped him from going straight out of my life, out of our lives. He had vanished on purpose, that bastard. He had gone out of everyone's life on purpose.

Whenever I didn't think about him, someone or something would make me reminisce.

He, looking vaguely into space, stopping momentarily to be cheerful, having that sick and tired look on his face.
Her, not really remembering he was gone for good, bringing up the subject while talking about the good old gossips.

I wanted him out of my life, out of my mind.

There always was that sickening, heart cringing feeling, whenever I would hear his name, seeing something that remembered me of him or just thinking about him.

I needed him out of my life, out of my mind.

Without even being physically there, he was present, everywhere. In friend's minds, in pictures, in old souvenirs, in dreams, in hopes and everything in between.
He was omnipresent, everywhere. But he wasn't where I want him to be, here.

When the storm of you leaving us had blown, and everything resumed back to normal, I tried not to think about you. This would be my life, this was what mattered. But sometimes, I found myself wondering: If it had been the other way around – If I were the one to run in and run out of your life – would I have invaded your thoughts constantly like how you are still invading mine?

2010-03-20T00:10:00.003+08:00

Turn around.

Reaching, I'm always reaching out for them.. for him with all my might. But I will never reach them. I have been and always will be too far behind.

I'm tired, I'm really really tired. I'm tired of being worried about everything all the time and I'm tired of knowing that I should be worried about everything all the time. I'm tired of being hurt and abandoned and having to try so hard to reach out for them in every single minute of my life. I'm tired of having to accept the fact that I'm too far behind and I will never reach them, I can never reach them. I'm tired of having tear stains on my pillows and having to try so hard to fall asleep everynight. I'm tired of having dreams when it's all about him leaving us and abandoning me. I'm tired of thinking of what-ifs and what-could-have-been. I'm tired of clinging on and hoping. I'm tired of being unable to just let go, to just forget, to just start living my life. I'm tired of trying so hard to build myself up just to be break down so easily. I'm tired of being scared and I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being tired.

The tiredness I feel is like a circle - a never ending cycle, it just goes on and on.
It never stops..

I feel like a paper doll, whose tabs have been ripped off and who is barely being held together by thin, unstable strings.

2010-03-09T20:29:00.010+08:00

Out of reach..

That's not the point. The point isn't the fact or the evidence or the message. It's why you eat up people's hearts, and why it feels like mine's too big.

I faltered, because the voice that speaks my name does not belong here, not now, not ever again. Because that voice - he( ohgod, its you. )had already severed the bond he once held with me. To him, it was just another bond( i was never someone important, was I? ), another useless thing. So why is he here?

I turned towards him, expecting him to feel something at the sight of me, irritation, annoyed, wariness.( respond in some way, any way at all. acknowledge me, show me a sign. for the love of god, let me know i exist in your world. ) But there was nothing at all. He was just staring at me blankly, emotionessly.

I stared back at him( from across an impossible distance, across time and abandonment and betrayal and paths that split when bonds were broken ), stared at him like he was a stranger. And he is, because I do not know him anymore, unable to comprehend what is going through his mind, the reasons for his actions and why( whywhywhywhy. fuck, just tell me why? )is he continously breaking my heart.

And right now, I am a stranger to him too. Cause like me, he does not know anything about me anymore. He knows nothing about the changes I had in these 3years, can't read me like how he once did so easily as if I was an open book. He does not know about the thing that sleeps in my chest, painful and sick, the thing that eats me from the inside out, sucking everything I ever loved and remembered into a hole and spits it back at me as a reason for me to hate him. But I can't, because it's impossible for me to do so. Because being hurt and torn and shattered by him is what has been going on all my life and he is not done doing so yet, he'll never be done.

He does not recognise me and I do not recognise him either. It was expected for things to end up this way ever since he chose to left us( left memememe. ). Yet, part of me desperately wants to know why so( how did we get here? )when we once knew each other so well. This person that I am looking at is a stranger. A familiar stranger, but a stranger nonetheless. And that hurts.

We're always too late and too far.

2010-03-04T20:35:00.006+08:00

Life is..

Life is just a game that we weren't meant to win.

Life goes on like this for me: on and on and on and on, because they do not wait for me and I refuse to be left behind. Life does not happen in fits and starts, in broken pauses, in disasters or crises or moment of heroism. Life does not happen like stories, exposition and climax and denouement, a plot diagram with clean straight lines.

Life happens in the moment before dawn, in the warmth of sunlight on my skin, in the sound of street vendors selling tomatoes, in the blanks between spaces of letters I never send, in the three years between the meetings of old friends. Life happens "despite" and not "because of", but there are quiet little love stories: dew on grass tips in the early morning, fireflies coming out after dusk , the blueness of the skies and the stripes of sunlight on the floor beneath a canopy of trees.

Life happens in untruths and deceptions, happens always slightly beyond my control, always slightly pass my awareness. Life happens too fast, and it leaves me gaping to catch up. Life is always someone else's story-I'm not the hero.

Life happens, remember and learn; it happens, regardless and irresistable.
I stumbled on a path called life and fell flat, onto the cold hard ground.

2010-03-01T20:47:00.006+08:00

Times like this..

It's at times like this when I'm pretty sure my fucked up life is isn't as fucked up as it seems.

Thanks alot guys, you all made my day.
Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends.
Maybe, just maybe.. all will be fine.

2010-02-24T17:34:00.004+08:00

It's blood.

We're not friends. We'll never be friends. We'll be in love till it kills us both. We'll fight, and we'll shag, and we'll hate each other till it makes us quiver. But we'll never be friends. Real love isn't sunshine or flowers, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work its will.

That's how we are.. full of hate, hurt, angst and love. There wasn't a choice. We were fucked, right from the beginning. When one loves, there's a risk of hate.
As easy as it is to fall for someone, it's alot harder to stand back up.

2010-02-18T10:27:00.005+08:00

As we fade away..

Right now, that person is that person but not really that person.

You've changed, I've changed, he've changed, they've changed. We've all changed. Those fragile bonds that held us together doesn't seemed as important anymore. They appears to be useless in such circumstances, a thing in the past. Something we had so desperately clung on to when you had denied it so greatly. As I stood by the side, watching, I know you've changed. When I finally did had a chance for a confrontation with you, you were furious. You were mad at me, at this girl for replacing the one you left behind. You were expecting the girl you left behind to stay the same. I was beyond pissed, how could you have expected that? Arguments soon followed and I swear I have never been so mad in my entire life. You were the one who left and changed me. You were the one who rejected us. You were the one who pushed us away. And now, you are mad for losing what you never did want in your life. One thing I'm certain that did not change though, you still have a stick shoved up your bloody ass. How could you have expected me to stay the same? How could you have expected me to remain the same weakling I once was? I was mad at you for looking for something that had left us long ago. Yet in the midst of our argument, I realised with shame.. that I too, was looking for the boy who had left me, many years back.

I want so badly to screw you, to screw them, to screw this world.
And most importantly, I want to screw myself.
What the hell have we been fighting for all this time?

2010-02-10T17:10:00.009+08:00

These moments

It is one of these moments when i know one of two things has happened;
the world has ended, or i have gone insane.

I'm standing on the edge, wondering if it even matters. Wondering if anything has ever mattered, or if it all was just an illusion; something i dreamt up to keep the time from stopping. But then again, the memories are burned into the back of my eyelids and i can't stop drowning in them.

The first step is the hardest, and what’s that old saying? ‘If you’re facing in the right direction, all you have to do is keep walking’. But how does one know if they’re facing in the right direction? What’s right? For that matter, what in the hell is wrong? And if you stray from the ‘right’ path, how do you get back on it? Why can’t all the paths be right?

I shake my head to clear it of the annoying, circular thoughts. With a simple shake of my head I somehow managed to find a few seconds of peace, and it’s in those few blissful moments of calm that i found the courage to take that first step. It’s much less of a deal than the sayings and nerves would imply, but i ignored the anti-climatic feelings and merely concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.

And maybe that’s the hardest part. Maybe it’s not the first step of the journey that’s the hardest, but the second, the third. The hundredth. Maybe it’s not as hard to begin things as it is to follow them, to finish them. Maybe it’s easier to give up halfway or to deviate from the path. I'm sure there’s another saying, another proverb, another piece of advice just waiting in the wings, but for now I ignore the impulse to assign a theme to the action. I am just walking.

And that’s all i've ever done really; i’ve just walked. Walked the path of a person who loved, sacrificed and waited, of child, teen, adult and everything in between. I'm not quite sure when it was that I switched from one to the other and back again, but I'm nearly certain that it doesn’t matter. Because that’s not who i am now, or so i like to think.

You can't tell me to forget. You can't tell me to give up. You can't tell me to stop loving.
Because that is what i have been telling myself since day one and it hasn't been working.

This is what I have chose to do; what I should have done long ago
I'm sorry and I know you all are asking why I still feel this way.
I just do - That's.. that's fucking enough.

The world has not ended, so I guess I'm insane.

2010-02-04T20:23:00.004+08:00

Damn this world, damn my fate.

Everything is standing still. There is nothing new but the now, the wants and the hurts of the present. There are no plans, no repercussions. no memories or movement. I find myself being pulled under the shear force of the ifs and maybes.

I trip on messy things that litter the floor of my life and sometimes those piles of metaphorical crap I didn't see coming. Sure, it hurts but I do not fall. I stumble but I do not fall. However, when you left, I simply gave up struggling. Cause it hurts so much more than all those bloody crap I have faced. I allowed myself to fall and I have been falling ever since.

I can always find a reason to hate the world and fate. I hated what a collaboration of what the two had done to me and what they had done to us. I always thought we never had an ending. But now I realised, maybe we never had a beginning to start with. All because the damn world and fate had to conspire and leave us in so much agony.

I hate you world.
I hate you fate.

2010-01-27T22:03:00.008+08:00

stand in the rain.

"believe it!"
"there's nothing left to believe in."

“Why are you doing this?”
“Can't you bloody understand? I'm all alone!”

“Don’t you have anybody?”
“No; they all left…left long ago.”

“Talk about destiny.”
“What are you implying?”
“We were all fucked, right from the beginning.”

because like everyone else who left, you did the exact same thing.

2010-01-21T22:22:00.006+08:00

i'm torn between the pain i feel and where i stand.

how is it even possible for you to make me feel so much, even when you are miles away? it isn't fair how you make no effort at all to bring this feelings up in us and yet we still feel so damn much. i bet you don't feel half the way you make us feel. wait, you don't feel at all. you're an such ass you know. you're the egoistic bastard that didn't bother leaving us cause you think we are in the way. and i dare to bet with my life that you still have a bloody stick shove up your ass. damn, the stick might have even went higher. it isn't fair how you can easily break the bonds you have with us when we so desperately clung on to yours. hell, you should be honoured. you made our lives a living hell. just great. even when you are miles away, you still make me cry. i'm seriously debating whether i should punch the daylights out of you the next time i see you. but you know what? it's funny how you can put us in so much pain and i still want you back. i guess we all do.

2010-01-18T22:40:00.007+08:00

memories.

i never liked memories - good or bad. bad ones.. who wants to keep them? and the good ones.. they just show how you can never experience the joy of them again. i have memories of you, both good and bad. and i find myself thinking about them at times. i can't help myself. no matter how much i hate reminiscing the memories i had with you, they keep appearing in my head. memories with you occupy my head so much that i think i'm getting delusions that you are still here, that you have never left. great, wonderful. now, i'm going mental. still, i know that you are not here. because everynight, when i stare up at the ceiling of my room, i realised that no matter how much i clung on to those memories, thinking that you have never left, thinking that you are still here, doesn't change a single damn thing. because the truth is you have left, because you are not here. i can't help but let the feel of guilt consume me because i know i'm tearing him apart by being so selfish. i know he's hurting inside as well because he-our best friend had not only been left behind by you like me, he failed to keep his promise. i have to stop being like that cause i have to make him believe i'm not bothered by the hurt and i'm fine. yet, i can't. i want so desperately to show that i don't cling on to those memories with you anymore but part of me just want to stay mental and live in those memories, believing that you have never left. memories.. i hate them. especially memories with you. they just have to bloody exist and make me cling on to them. yet, as much as i hate to admit, these memories are keeping me my sanity. che, the irony.

2010-01-12T21:59:00.004+08:00

it's still raining.

the rain, it's only gotten worse. they think it's easy for me to let go, that i'm fine with it. but no one knows, no one understands. yet, maybe they do but like what everyone does best. they ignore it, ignore the pain they are going through. i can't ignore it like them, i try to though. however, the pain i feel hurt so much more. but, i can't show it. i can't show him that i'm not okay. i can't tell him that i want to continue hoping you would come back. cause if i do, he's gonna push himself again. i do not want to drag him into this damn shit already. it's enough, this has to stop. the selfish habit of mine has to stop. the rain... it won't stop falling. che, will it ever?

2010-01-06T20:26:00.004+08:00

you don't have to.

all this, it's too much to bear. all this time, i dragged you into this mess because it was obviously you who had a better chance of bringing him back. it was you who left him scars from fights you all had. and when he left, he bought those along with him. i was jealous that he left with parts of you on him. but me? nothing, absolutely nothing that was visible. i bet when he look at those scars, it would remind him of you. and i guess there's absolutely nothing with him that reminded him of me. you were his best friend and i believed you were able to bring him back. however, this has to stop. all this, has to stop. it's far too late. i can't bring myself to drag you into this shit anymore. i have to stop being so bloody selfish and only think of myself. i'm sorry. you don't have to do it anymore. stop.

there is no heaven, it's just the lie we tell ourselves to get through this hell called life.

2009-12-28T17:28:00.009+08:00

i'm this pathetic.

i love the feeling when the cold air touched my skin even though my body begged to differ. i did notice the shivers i was giving out but i did not want them to stop. all this reminded me of you. it was the closest thing i could get to feel that you were around. you always this cold aura when someone appoarches, and they usually scrambled on their feet to get away. it was the initial feel of you. however, lucky ones who weren't swayed and stayed by would slowly be able feel the warmth you would radiate. there was only a minority of this group, you could count them with one hand. and yet, i was one of the lucky ones. the warmth that you radiated, was not immediate. it appeared after weeks, months and i was fortunate to have experienced it. when i did my little stunt just now, i felt that sickening familiar coldness. it was like back then, when we first met. i stayed at my position as long as i could, believing that the warmth would come soon. but, my body gave in and i never did feel the warmth i was waiting for. i was this desperate to feel that you were there with me. che, they found out. being enraged and all started screaming that i was crazy, becoming a nutcase. but they were wrong, this little stunt of me was to prevent myself from being crazy. they don't know that not being able to feel you here is the one thing that would make me go crazy. no one understands. i just want to keep my sanity. i'm sick of losing everything that is worth. i lost enough.

2009-12-27T16:10:00.003+08:00

i wish

i wish this bloody nightmare would be over, and you would be here with us. everything would then be back to how it was; everyone would be happy and contented, no one in pain, no one in agony. but no, this sickening nightmare just refuses to budge. it's still here, bringing pain. my prayers have obviously gone unheard. how long has this nightmare been tormenting us? 2, 3 years? and when we thought it was gonna be over, it took a turn for the worse. yet here i am, still wanting you to return. you - the cause of this bloody sickening nightmare. it hurts knowing i'm hurting everyone who desperately wants to remove themselves from this damn nightmare but stop because i'm f-ing stubborn. but surpringsly, it hurts even more not having you here with us. i'm a fool, a bloody stupid selfish fool. and i wonder, if i will ever stop being such a fool.

2009-12-25T23:21:00.004+08:00

dreams, yet again.

i found out my favourite past-time - sleeping. sleeping is where i would have dreams, nice dreams, where i can see you again. it was just... indescribable. yesterday i dreamt that you were back. you were once again banging on my door telling me that i was going to be late if i don't wake up. you had that annoyed face you always had when i open the door. and throughout the dream, you had that smirk, that damn smirk i was so in love with. the dream felt so real, so damn bloody real. i guess this dream is the best christmas present i had this year. i got to see and feel you again in this dream. it was really remarkable. again, i found another reason why my favourite past-time is to sleep. just by sleeping. i can believe that when i wake up the nightmare of the living day would be over. and then you would be back. i guess you're lonely. and i do hope that maybe, you would have dreams of us too. and then like me, you would love to have sleeping as your favourite past-time. i miss you, so much. merry christmas to you, wherever you are.

2009-12-24T22:27:00.002+08:00

bullshit

i didn't want to spend christmas eve with you all today. i'm sorry, i went with some others instead. in fact, i had planned to celebrate with others long ago. it just felt weird, having a celebration with you all without him. it was always us, all together. after he left, everytime we had a celebration. it seems so wrong, something huge was missing. i know you all think i'm overeacting. but no, i'm not. i felt so wrong to have a celebration with you all without him. maybe, it was because i was the closest to him? i don't know. i know how disappointed you all must have felt. i'm sorry for being so selfish. frankly, i wanted to stay at home today. not wanting to celebrate at all. i know he must be lonely out there. i wanted to know how he felt. but i chickened out. i didn't want to feel alone. he was wrong to leave us, but can you imagine how lonely he must be feeling now? can you all imagine? it's christmas tomorrow. festive of love and joy. bullshit, none of that is happening. after all this time, knowing how selfish i am for wanting him to come back. i still want him back. is that really too much to ask for?

2009-12-23T21:50:00.005+08:00

who am i?

i stared at the reflection of the girl in my mirror. i can't help but wonder how selfish she can get. i can't help but wonder how much pain she has brought to people around her. i can't help but wonder how did all this happen to her because someone left. i can't help but wonder why she can't stop crying. i can't help but wonder how weak she is. i can't help but wonder who the hell is she. the girl in the mirror look so different. how was such a drastic change even possible? i glared at her with all my might, as if daring her to change back to who she once was. it was useless. i hate the girl in the mirror, i hate her so much. i did what i thought was logical, i smashed the mirror. with the shattered pieces of the mirror and the blood from my bleeding fist, i thought she was gone. but no, she was still here, on the broken pieces of glass on the floor. will she ever go away? i didn't want her here, hurting everyone around her. i didnt want her here, being so damn weak. but i know she would still be here as long as he isn't back. because on that damn night he left, he took the girl that i wanted to be here with him.

i am afraid, i don't even recognise myself anymore.

2009-12-22T17:31:00.006+08:00

hello world. i am selfish.

i am selfish. i am damn selfish. i made all of you suffer with me just because i believe he would come back. i made you, my best friend carry such a heavy burden, adding pain to you. you try so hard to hold on to an impossible promise i selfishly asked you to make. i always thought that he was the one who hurt us, shatter us all. but in fact, i'm also contributing to the hurt. why? why didn't you all tell me? why let me find out by my own? i feel so damn guilty that i feel like ending everything by killing myself. i hate him for leaving us, bringing everyone so much pain. but more importantly, i hate myself for believing he would come back, adding on to the pain everyone already has. and fuck it. you know what? i still believe he will come back. i'm that damn bloody selfish.

2009-12-14T22:17:00.007+08:00

don't stop here.

even the best fall down sometimes.
even the wrong words seems to rhyme.
even the stars refuse to shine.
out of the doubt that fills my mind.
i do believe, i'm close behind.
just you wait. i'm going drag your sorry ass back.

2009-12-11T16:07:00.012+08:00

i like to believe

i like to believe that im going to wake up to you pounding on my door angrily.
i like to believe that we are doing our everyday stuff together like usual.
i like to believe that we are working together, cursing him for giving us so much to do.
i like to believe that we are out together, simply enjoying the presence of each other.
i like to believe that we are just like how we were years back, being together.
squabbling, whining, crying, laughing, where we were all together.
but who am i kidding? everything changed because you left.

so, i started beliving in something else.
i like to believe that you miss us like how we all miss you.
i like to believe that you miss the times we spent together.
i like to believe that somewhere in you heart, you regretted leaving us.
i like to believe that some part of you want to come back to us.
but che, how can it possible? you said you didn't need us.

but with that damn dream of mine with you smiling in the rain. i believe in only one thing.
i believe that one day i am gonna wake up and know that you are back with all of us.
because if you don't, i got nothing else to believe in.

2009-12-09T18:04:00.023+08:00

hope

i saw you, last night in my dream. the sky was pouring with rain and you were standing in front of me drenched, not using the umbrella you held in your hands. and there i was under an umbrella, dry and bewildered. you hated the rain and would always curse and swear whenever you were caught in one. i however, like how the feel of how the raindrops would fall on my skin, as if it was erasing the hidden scars i had. so how was it possible that we switched roles this time? you were looking at me like how you always did, cold and emotionles. but your eyes, they were hinting on something that i was not able to apprehand. i felt myself drowning in them, trying to figure out what were they actually hinting on. were you waiting for me to say something like how i always did? or were you waiting for me to do something that i was susposed to? and then it hit me, maybe you wanted me in the rain with you?

so, i mustered all my courage to ask
" are you waiting for me to join you in the rain? "
your reply and expression made me bolt up from my dream, crying.
" no, i want to join you instead ".

it was just a dream. but damn, it affected me like hell. was it implying i should have reached out to you more? but how so when you pushed us all of us away? when you left, you made it clear that you didn't need us. was all that a lie? should i have tried harder to make you stay? what could i have done? or maybe, the dream was implying you are coming back?

i;m hanging on to this small ray of hope. maybe, just maybe we can reach you one day and bring you back. maybe one day everything will be like the past. and maybe eventually, there would come a day where i can tell you this dream of mine with you in the rain.

i'll mention that you were smiling.

2009-12-06T16:25:00.002+08:00

suppose

my eyes are screaming for the sight of you.

2009-12-04T21:14:00.008+08:00

are you?

it's today. the day where you left years back. i can still remember every single detail of that day. no matter how much i tell myself to forget about it, i can't. it's today, where i stuffed myself silly with food, not wanting to feel the emptiness within me. it's today, where it rained the whole day, as if god knew the pain i tried so hard to hide. it's today, where i told myself not to cry but still fail terribly nevertheless. and yet it's today, where somewhere in my heart i still hope that you will come back.

i had to beg myself not to think about you. but still, i can't help but wonder.
are you also thinking of what had happen today, years back?

2009-12-03T15:08:00.012+08:00

because

i hate the fact that you left us.. me.
i hate the fact that you planned to leave without a goodbye and you did.
i hate the fact that you left me with just two mere miserable words.
i hate the fact that you have a ego so big it's like having a stick shove up your ass.
i hate the fact that you tried to hide that you care.
i hate the fact that your eyes kept hiding the emotions you held within.
i hate the fact that you blocked everyone of us out when we tried to reach you.
i hate the fact that you think i am weak.
i hate the fact that you think i will only get in the way.
i hate the fact that you were so over-protective of me.
i hate the fact that you rejected us time and again when we try to get you back.
i hate the fact that you still make me think of you countless times a day.
i hate the fact that you make me miss you.

and right now, i realised that what i really hated about you ... was being part of me.

2009-12-01T22:52:00.004+08:00

walking on glass

i guessed as much. when we saw you today, i concluded that you were the same. you told us you changed, but your eyes betrayed you. your eyes that flickered emotions even for a god damn brief moment. you are still you, still the same old you. don't deny that.

2009-11-27T22:50:00.003+08:00

faith in him you say?

curse you. you left and everyone was devestated. everyone still is.
... including me.

2009-11-25T15:18:00.004+08:00

self-denial leads to nothing.

im back from camp. i have bruises all over my body. argh. i learnt how to swim. well, it's floating actually. lol.

no matter how hard you try, you can't just break a bond. no matter how hard you try to leave us, your heart is still somewhere here. you know that more well then anyone of us here. so why are you still in denial? i won't beg you with tears to come back as i always had. i won't pick up a fight with you like the other guys did to bring you back. i am just gonna say:

GET THE FUCK BACK HERE ALREADY YOU JERK.

2009-11-19T22:26:00.002+08:00

troublesome

ODAC exco camp tomorrow. can someone please tell me why do we have to bring our swimsuits-.-?!

after you left, all i did was cry. after that, i realised it had to stop. i buried you in my mind. but now, you revived yourself just by appearing infront of me again.

2009-11-18T14:36:00.003+08:00

giving up.

i give up. you win. i tried to overcome you. i tried to believe i wasn't as weak as before. i believed that i was strong and you would not affect me like how you did in the past. it seems that im wrong. FUCK, I WAS SO WRONG. i give up alright. you win. you always do. i will give you anything, just leave me alone. claim your prize elsewhere. don't screw up my life again. please, just go.

2009-11-17T19:50:00.004+08:00

damn you.

damn you and your theories. you are so opinated i can't see why you bother asking me about my opinions. wow, so you are the great and i am suspose to listen to you at everything you say? WRONG.i am not what i was like. in the past, i listened to you, worship you, adored you whatever but now i won't. you abandoned me, left me alone to wallow in self-despair. i, no WE waited for you to come back. we begged for you to come back. but you refused. then why? why come back now and screw up my life once again?

2009-11-15T15:06:00.003+08:00

it's been.. years.

you went away for so long and then you came back.

so.. what do i do now?

im home, not in camp. that's bad and im feeling very guilty. can't help it though, i caught a fever on friday after bbq-ing under the rain for 2hours.

went to dinner with wang, ben and mark at Sarpino's pizza yesterday after church. it's so much better then pizza hut but i think it made my sore thoart worse. lol.

2009-11-12T18:31:00.005+08:00

live it your way.

i remember..

was thank you the only two words you wanted to say?

WAS IT?

bbq tomorrow. spent the whole day marinating food with jerome and ben. leaving home in awhile. piano, argh.

2009-11-10T20:59:00.007+08:00

a blossoming flower

WOOHOO! IT'S THE 15TH BIRTHDAY OF THE

TWO ANNOYING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE .

CLARICE CHAN AND PEARLIE NG!

HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

YOU BOTH ARE A PAIN IN MY ASS.

I LOVE YOU BOTH STILL. HAHA

o'levels suck today:/.

watched naruto shippuden the whole afternoon with wang. HAHAHA. we are at episode 134. waiting for episodes 135 and 136 which is gonna come out on 19th november! 9more days!!!!

going church tomorrow for mission trip performance planning.

I WANT TO WATCH NARUTO. <3

2009-11-09T12:53:00.006+08:00

i wanna feel alive

wonderful. it's the time of the month again. i had extremely bad cramps and i was sent home from school during the 2nd period. shouldn't have bothered to go to school at the first place ... better pray all this time of the month nonsense would end by this friday cause on saturday i got to go for the ODAC rites. agreed to go for lunch later when jerome texted me just since im feeling better already. can't really stay at home cause there are people painting the house-.-, again. why my mum can't just stick to one colour and stop changing it?!

O'levels chinese tomorrow. Someone please shoot me already.

2009-11-08T15:11:00.005+08:00

The forbidden fruit.

It's a sunday and i actually managed to crawl out of bed at 8am in the morning. There was practice for mission trip. Had our lunch before jerome and me went to buy our school books at popular. The guys are watching dvds at my house now and I am gonna join them. Finally an interesting show. It's monday tomorrow, screw it.

P/S: Happy 33rd month anniversary Wang! <3

2009-11-06T19:14:00.005+08:00

War teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.

Finally it's friday! But still, it's gonna be a long weekend:/. Next year, I'm so gonna beg Miss Lee to put Yongpeng as far away from me as possible. He can't seem to freaking shutup-.-. 3 more days of school next week and then it's the holidays! But still, O'level chinese is next tues and I still can't bring myself to study it. Yeah go on being like that Crystal and you will see a freaking F for your chinese. Argh. Borrowed 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' DVD from Mr Ong. Jerome, Ben and Jiaxiang came over after school today to watch. Andreas came around 2plus. Played guitar, watch some DVDs, blabla. Church tomorrow. ...

P/S: I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT FRIDAY. LOL.

2009-11-04T17:46:00.002+08:00

love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

YAP XIU FEI. ARE YOU READING THIS?! CLASS IS SO QUIET WITHOUT YOU, IT SUCKS SO MUCH! AND YONGPENG KEEPS ANNOYING ME AND CLARICE CAUSE THERE'S NO YOU. i miss you eh;/

stupid xiufei is in some NCO camp and im so lonely sitting at the back. yongpeng is still as annoying as ever. argh, need to book the bbq pit for next friday online now.

2009-11-02T18:00:00.002+08:00

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

it has been a tiring weekend. o'level chinese is next tuesday and no, i have not been studying for my chinese. i don't know where to start! -.-. alot of holidays will be spent on the preparation for the mission trip. ;/.

spent the afternoon playing battle ships with jerome at home. i think we are so addicted on this dumb game. lol.

you are such an annoying person. who are you to make my friend damn bloody sad? who are you to go around thinking everyone is your bloody best friend and when they refuse, you turn around and backstab them. who are you to think we should forgive you cause every single time we do, you fucking screw it up again. who are you to think you are the queen of the world?

2009-10-28T18:25:00.006+08:00

running back into your arms.

i played soccer today and it sucked big time. didn't had a choice cause we had nothing to do while waiting for the pesky primary 6 students to arrive. okay fine, maybe defining them as being pesky is being too harsh on them. urgh, whatever. ODAC briefing after school took like forever and poor jerome was waiting at the foyer for me. went to my house after that and we spent the whole afternoon doing dumb, stupid and lame stuff. there's frisbee inter-class telematch tomorrow and i don't really feel like joining it cause i don't feel so well. hais;/

i love the way things are now.

P/S: okay la jerome wang, you win the stupid bet. -.-. YOU HAPPY NOW?!

2009-10-27T19:21:00.003+08:00

In a mad world, only the mad are sane

i am down with a flu. this is so great. Pei Hwa experience was kinda boring today, there wasn't anything much to do. things got alittle emotional after school when we were talking to the sec 2s ODACians. hmm.. went for lunch with jerome after school, we had a great time shopping at cold storage, lol. there's a BBQ this sunday for the people of the leadership course in church. -.-. i think i should start going on a diet.

i never knew.

2009-10-26T20:41:00.003+08:00

because, it all comes back to me.

caught My Sister's Keeper at AMK hub today. went there with ben and jerome and met the others at sumo house for lunch. the movie isn't really great as compared to the book, many parts were cut off and i expected much more. ;/. i don't know why but im feeling shag today. maybe i should go to bed like now.

i want to eat cheesecake.

2009-10-24T23:20:00.003+08:00

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

heh, free lunch today. had steak at botak jones, it was so-so but the cheese potato was delicious. i am craving for it now, lol. watching My Sister's Keeper on monday, can't wait. but there's school which seriously spoils the day. argh.

it's never too late.

2009-10-23T22:18:00.003+08:00

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough

had jamming session the whole afternoon with jerome, ben, val, daniel and louis. jerome is gonna treat me to lunch tomorrow at botak jones, lol. going for swimming on sunday, gonna catch a movie on monday with jerome, ben, shiyun, blabla. i think ben agreed to go watch a movie with us because of shiyun. AGAIN. lol. i think it's time to hit the sheets, have to wake up early tomorrow. goodnight everybody.

i have finally learnt it the hard way.

2009-10-21T19:39:00.004+08:00

speak when you are angry - you will make the best speech you'll ever regret

READ BETWEEN THE BLOODY LINES.

i am bloody angry and you better be glad that i actually control myself. and before i punch all your teeth out, you better stop.
okay, we are fine. we are great. right pearlie, clarice, xiufei, fel? lol.

jerome's at my house. he wasn't around for the whole day, went for some geography thing. he's fuming mad over some things that happend during the geography thing. lol. don't see much of him like that. heh. going to Botak Jones on saturday. ohmygod, food again.

2009-10-20T18:12:00.002+08:00

life is just one damned thing after another

pearlie is a pain in the ass. ced too. considering that SHE actually wanted to give us her mugapee(CLARICE! THIS IS THE WRONG SPELLING). and HE who keeps burping in our faces. how disgusting can my friends get? urgh. fel and ced even had a burping competition right behind at my seat. urgh. jerome bought me Change Of Heart by Jodi Picoult. it was actually meant to be a surprise but i spoilt it. lol. okay, time to read my book.

2009-10-19T18:02:00.004+08:00

The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.

had a great time during the steamboat. ate alot. jerome bought dvds over and we watched G-force. lol, it was kinda kiddy but funny. okay, i think it's DVD marathon day. Watching Drag Me To Hell. im a sucker for such movies-.-. damn, ben's depleting my snacks and ice cream at home. argh.

P/S: mum and dad is in china. they won't be back till a week later. :/

2009-10-18T23:12:00.003+08:00

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

just back from the BBQ. im so shag. had fun roller blading and we ate so much! have many pictures of jerome roller-blading. he fell like so many times. lol. im so evil. jerome, ben, shi yun and the others would be coming over for steamboat tomorrow. again, food. maybe we should ALL GO ON A DIET. will upload photos tomorrow. i want to sleep.

2009-10-16T19:41:00.002+08:00

i will eat your poo if you eat mine.

fuck. i just realised it's freaking friday and i actually missed ' THE MENTALLIST ' on tuesday! WTF. i can't remember what i was doing on tuesday night though. argh, im pissed. school today kinda suck. it was boring and i was so frigging tired. i actually went to bed at 3am thanks to jerome wang. I KILL YOU JEROME WANG. and i was such a kind soul to actually stay back till his basketball ended at 5pm. did something useful while waiting though. cleared the ODAC store with fred and tiong. did up the notice board with them and did some reading in the library with fred; he was waiting for his girlfriend. BBQ on sunday. lol. JEROME'S GONNA ROLLERBLADE. SOMEONE REMIND ME TO BRING MY CAMCORDER. hehe.

2009-10-15T20:34:00.002+08:00

The first duty of love is to listen.

im so shag. woke up at 12 and rushed to compass point to meet jerome. went up to andreas's house to help restring his guitar before cabbing to church. had a quick lunch and went for peaks group coaching. went for dinner after that and reached home coming 8. im tired and there's school tomorrow):. anyway, i got my baby taylor guitar. jerome and ben is so jealous. LOL. craving for meatballs still;/

2009-10-14T18:58:00.003+08:00

All i can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!

WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!
IT'S OOOOVVVVVVEEEEERRRRR!
THE FREAKING EXAMS ARE OVER!
SOMEONE SHOT ME CAUSE I DON'T
BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
LOL. IT'S OVER!

im tired. went to Bras Basah complex and penni with jerome, pearlie, ben and val to look at guitars. me legs are aching from all the walking around. AND IT'S OVER!

P/S: IT'S OVER! WOOHOO!

2009-10-13T16:44:00.003+08:00

Shoes and men never click.

anyone knows where i can get cheap and small shoe rack?! wlau, my dad scolded me for taking up half of the shoe rack in my house and he wants all of them gone by sunday! either i throw them away or find another place to store them. I NEED A SHOERACK. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME ONE. argh, this is sooooo annoying. jon told me to get one at the $1 shop even though i doubt it sells shoe racks. IM SO PISSED. someone help me? T.T.

2009-10-12T20:46:00.002+08:00

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

just a short post before i continue talking with jerome. yes, finally. killer subjects are over and there's only literature and higher chinese paper 2 left. higher chinese paper is tomorrow which i do not really care anymore cause there's a high probability that im gonna flunk it. no more being a wonderwoman and getting a B for it this term. went to pizzahut with a bunch of ex-classmates today. it's been a long time since we had such a laugh. well, i was with jon, val and of course jerome. what did you expect? lol. okay fine, i gotta go now. the fatboy is complaining. yeah, poor jerome. put up so much weight over this 2 years. heh.

2009-10-11T21:18:00.002+08:00

Joy is not in things, it is in us.

okay, i really need a break for all the mugging i have been doing so im here blogging, even though i should be back on the 14th. 3more days and it's over! like finally! runescape is a freaking dumb game and im going back to CS once all this is over. YAP! let's play together! heh. church was great yesterday. spent the whole day with jerome studying today. tackle Amaths questions and i really feel like killing him sometimes cause i don't know how the hell the brain of his work. :/. it's like competing with a computer even though i did 7questions faster then him. heh. cramps has once again spoil my weekend and i really start to begin to think the medcine my mum bought me made me felt worse. hmm;/. i want to eat meatballs.

2009-10-02T19:11:00.011+08:00

look at all the sentences which seems true and question them.

lol. im back. just had my HCL paper 1 today. thanks alot, my electric dictionary died on me just less then 30mins after the paper started. i even got the letter writing format wrong. wlau. im so dead. there's history extra lessons tomorrow at 9am. and i thought i could sleep in late. argh. anyway, this week has been quite fruitful. went to have lunch with jerome, ben, jon and jonathan today.
anyway, here are pictures of both CIPs. im in a group that's named FHM. LOL.

okay. i think i should not come back till the end of EOY which is 14th october. BYE PEOPLE.

2009-09-16T18:03:00.011+08:00

examinations maybe formidable. but well, what shall i fear?

okay, im gonna MIA until till the EOY after this post. lol. anyway, here are some really dumb pictures. do bear with me.

jerome was at my house one day after school and he felt that his nose had alot of black pores. so, we did this! lol. unglam pictures of him.

and this was him when he was still a kid. lol.

okay, lol. hilarious pictures. exams are here in about 19days. and there's this adam khoo workshop for two days. urgh. roti prata after the freaking workship? whose dumb idea was that?! uhoh, i sense a thunderstorm. lol. bye people. see you in 19days!

P/S: YAPXIUFEI, YOU SEE YOUR UNGLAM PICTURE? LOL

2009-09-13T18:41:00.005+08:00

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.

school's starting tmr. shit it. my homework's 1/4 done and i don't think im gonna continue doing it anymore. it was fun at the minds cafe last thurs. will post up the pictures of it when i get them from xuan. friday was oral. thankgod i didn't had to go for the chinese one. english one was great.

went to orki's church today morning for a fun fair. jerome bought me 2 little cute terrapins! well, i am going to prove to ben that it would not die within a month. saw miss lin there too and she actually served us as a waitress. HAHA. isn't it weird having your teacher serving you? man, my dad's crazy. he wants to get a dog now and has actually went out to see which dog he wants. and guess what? jerome's more excited about my family having a dog then i am. ah screw it, i gotta go do my homework. God bless me.

PS : Happy birthday Ivan!

2009-09-09T13:59:00.004+08:00

for four-fifths of our history, our planet was poupulated by pond scum.

at bob's house. no rollerblading. wlau;/. can't wait for tomorrow to come. except for the part that I STILL NEED TO GO FOR SOME BLOODY ORAL LESSONS EARLY IN THE MORNING.

2009-09-08T11:42:00.004+08:00

What can you say about a society that say God is dead but Elvis is alive?

watching some dvds later in the afternoon with romie and bobbest. and i can't wait to spend time with the peeps on thursday. it's been such a long time since we hang out together. really looking forward to it. eh bobbest is way looking forward to it. like duh, we're like celebrating his girlfriend's birthday. lol.

2009-09-07T11:00:00.005+08:00

i believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

it's 11 in the morning. why the hell am in even up in the morning during holidays? because. there was freaking chemistry ace at 8am! 8am! the horror of it. i slept at 2am plus because romie, bobbest and zaro was still here till 1plus. we were watching i shouldn't be alive on youtube-.-. meeting jerome for lunch later. going to the minds cafe at cityhall on thursday with churchies plus the guys. celebrating shiyun, kaiying and zaro's birthday. anyone has an idea what to get them for birthday present?! -.-. i hate buying presents.

2009-09-02T20:30:00.004+08:00

My favourite animal is the cow.

went to jack's place for dinner with jerome today after his socialstudies ace. went home straight after that because i ate too full and i felt like puking-.-. school today was nothing much except for the fact that i forgot that there was school today and i was rushing in the morning. c'mon, i thought it was the holidays already. until my maid came in to my room and burst the bubble by screaming at me to wakeup. thankgod, i made it just in time. i can't wait to go rollerblading next week cause it's been so long since i rollerblade and the freaking rain had to spoil my chance yesterday. i don't feel like going to piano lessons tomorrow. ;/

2009-09-01T13:24:00.005+08:00

this is the most tender part of love, each other to forgive.

wanted to go to pasir ris park for rollerblading but it's rainingD:. so we're at the library now instead. lol. haven been posting for a very long time cause im buys playing CS. hahahaha. beginner's luck they always tell me-.-. went to cafe cartel at plaza sing on saturday for lunch when we dropped by the guitar shop nearby to repair bobbest's guitar. poor thing, he was pwned badly by the shop owner.

yesterday's teacher's day concert was really boring. the PSG performace was kinda cool though. i have tons of trigo homework and now romie is making noise to have a go at the laptop because he wants to play some stupid dumb games. fine, bye people.

2009-08-26T18:19:00.003+08:00

Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings.

watched Where got ghost? on monday at dhoby ghaut. wanted to go to cafe cartel for lunch but had a change of plans and we went to Carl's JR instead. the burgers there are FREAKING HUGE i tell you. show was kinda hilarious, though i don't understand some parts. the movie's in chinese. oh well..

school hasn't been much this day. kinda boring. poor felicia sprained her leg today when we were playing captain's ball and was not allowed to go for her dance CIP thingy. and there's this really funny " thing " in school walking around. bobbest got a twin call bob( insider's joke ). well, had a really nice laugh. but it's kinda evil eh. lol. there's this problem with my ipod and i hate it. i can't do anything about it. urgh. okay bye people. im going to play CS now.

2009-08-23T21:58:00.005+08:00

The purpose of life is to fight maturity.

changed my blogskin. like finally huh. haha. woke up super early today. was susposed to meet them at 0830. we met at 0930 instead. it's like we have telepathy because all of us came at 0930 instead. lol. rushed our breakfast but we were still late. didn't see yap on the bus;/. think she went off early. blabla, almost fell alseep during the course. went to pennisula plaza because bobbest and zaro lee wanted to look at guitars. so me and romie tagged along. went to had our lunch at raffles city and now im brokeD:. took bus 80 instead of the MRT from pennisula plaza to sengkang. watching a movie after school tomorrow. i guess we're catching where got ghost? aww, ben is so sad cause final destination 4 is NC 16. hahahahahahahahaha. dang, i don't want to go to school;/.

2009-08-22T22:15:00.007+08:00

For all their strength, men sometimes act like little children.

i really really want to post a picture of me and 186(jiaxiang) up here but there's something wrong with the stupid usb cable. i think it's time for me to get a new phone soon because my phone has been failing me times and again. it's just been 8months and i really like this phone. ;/ anyway. the picture of me and 186 looks something like this.

yeah. laugh all you want. the real picture is even funnier. gotta wake up early tomorrow. meeting romey(jerome), bobbest(ben) and zaro(ivan) for mac breakfast tomorrow before heading to church. yeah, weird names. but they ask me to post their nick names up on my blog today. lol. maybe i will meet yap on the bus on the way to church tomrrow. i bet she misses me because she didn't get to see me on friday.

jerome's buying me a storybook. any suggestions?

HAHA. AND YES YAP. BOF SUCKS! ( no offence to BOF fans out there, lol )

BYE PEOPLE!

2009-08-21T21:14:00.003+08:00

Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.

feeling sleepy after taking the medicineD:. i think kayaking today was real fun/; and i wasn't able to join. i am so sad. I AM DETERMINED TO GO FOR IT NEXT WEEK NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. met jerome after his classes ended at 1320. went to the doctor with him and had our lunch together after that. dropped by at the library for a cup of cappuccino because i was really craving for a very long time. wanted to go to starbucks but it was packed. had a hard time persuading jerome to let me get a cup of cappuccino. he's seriously a stubborn pig. anyway, spend quite some time at the library. it's been a long time since jerome and i had time to sit down and do nothing but talk about rubbish and crap. lol. watched some videos on youtube with the laptop too. hilarious. check out trapped in the cupboard; mad tv. okay, maybe you have already seen it-.-. haha. thinking back, it was worth not attending kayaking today. nothing beats having a nice talk with jerome over a cup of cappuccino. i have to go and sleep now, promised that male chauvinist pig. okay, im just kidding. goodnight people. ;D

2009-08-21T11:16:00.002+08:00

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.

im stuck at home. having a fever. i won't be able to go kayaking with ODAC today. NOOOOOO):.
i wasn't able to attend last week and i was so looking forward to today. urgh. i think jerome's going to bring me to the doctor's later on. :/.

2009-08-20T16:56:00.004+08:00

Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.

currently at ben's house. im falling asleep;/ guys are playing CS. im playing viwawa-.-. lol. CS is a lame game cause i died with few minutes. lame. i feel like having a cup of cappuccino. anyone with me?

2009-08-19T21:36:00.004+08:00

We desire nothing so much we ought not to have.

like finally. tomorrow's the last day for the screwed up common tests. literature and amaths. jerome and i studied amaths today after school when he came to my house. but we were seriously pigging most of the time. haha. briefly read through my literature. not going to bother much about it because i want to sleep early today. and NO YAP. IM NOT SLEEPING EARLY BECAUSE IT'S THE GHOST FESTIVAL. im sleeping early because im tired. talking to jerome on the phone. ah, we're going to sleep now. goodnight people.

2009-08-17T19:17:00.004+08:00

he loves her. she loves him. but why ain't they together instead?

okay screw you common tests. i still have history to study on. ;/. last night, i dreamt about going to sakae sushi and bennett actually took all the sushi leaving us with nothing-.-. LOL. school wasn't much. come to think of it, it was really short. went to jack's place for lunch after having heated debation on where to have our lunch. went to the japanese snack food fair with jerome to have a look and we bought alot of tibits. well, he paid, i took. haha. anyway, went to church to get our personality profile yesterday. saw YAP XIU FEI on the way to church. YES, it's not XIN. it's XIU. there's this guy on the PA who pronounced her name YAP XIU FEI. lol. i think she's gonna kill me. lol.

i think there's something wrong with jerome cause he just used my laptop and signed in to his messenger and deleted alot of accounts-.-.

2009-08-14T18:24:00.005+08:00

Never confuse the faith with the supposedly faithful.

didn't get to go ODAC today cause it's the time of the month and they are doing water activities today;/. spend time with jerome in burgerking doing some work instead. school's been really boring this few days. we have been playing bridge regularly, lol. still wondering whether i should go to the night study at 1830. but i guess i will pass cause i am seriously lazy to leave the house. there's this PEAKS talk on sunday at 0930 that we are suspose to attend. ohno, gotta walk up earlyD:/. KOHYONGPENG IS BACK IN SCHOOL AND I REALLY REGRETTED WISHING THAT HE COME BACK QUICK. HE'S FREAKING ANNOYING AND LAZY. AH, SOMEONE SCREW HIM PLEASE. common tests next week;/